All the lonely people

Well, what can I say about her that isn’t me? How do I breathe life into my creation?

Now that I’ve opened with the abuse scene… do I go backwards? Or should I just power on, regardless?

Working on character is always hard. But I want this to be character driven, not plot driven. It is way more interesting like that. I want her to surprise me. I want her to make fall in love with her all on her own.

She’s vulnerable. She’s tough. She’s sensitive. She’s confident. She’s unsure about her place in the world. She wants love. She still hopes [deep inside where no once can see it] that there is love out there. She’s lost her biggest chance at happiness, she thinks. When Filip appears on the scene, she’s willing to believe that it can happen again. Despite all the evidence stacking up on the opposite of the spectrum.

Filip whisks her off her feet. He flatters her. He appeals to her emotions. He reminds her of their past. What little there was of it. She tries to remember him, eleven years prior to now.

She refuses to believe that this is not fate. After all, here’s someone she knew when she was younger. Someone who she could have fancied then. She really fancied his brother, but that’s besides the point. Or is it? Who dates a man because she was initially attracted to his brother? Is it twisted? Or is it normal? Is it not what every single one of Shakespeare’s tragedies is made of?

Big tip off: tragedies. Is this what this is? Or a melodrama? Where is Sandra taking us? What kind of ride do we have ahead: a cruise liner, a rollercoaster or a private jet?

Well, I’m going to continue to explore her motives and rewrite her story until I get it picture perfect. Or picture dysfunctional.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m hooked on Sex & The City. I think I’ve cracked it.

It’s all that reflective thinking. It’s all that relationship talk. It’s all the insight into the emotions of the characters. You can relate to them. You see yourself in them.

Which is what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to make my character, Sandra, someone everyone else can relate to.

It’s hard, because she is a reflection of who I was four years ago. I have to delve deep into my reasons for behaving the way I did.

Why does someone who has been brought up by loving parents in a loving relationship to each other end up so dysfunctional?

Could it be that witnessing my mother slowly take the reins of power in the household and completely obliterate my father’s personality scarred me? Or better yet, scarred Sandra?

Why is it that the word love strikes fear into her heart? Is it because she doesn’t consider herself loveable? Is it because she never forgave herself for hurting the two men she has loved the most? Why did she hurt them?

Could it be that she was afraid of them seeing all of her? Seeing that part of her that is vulnerable?

Then why fall in love with a cad? Then why throw herself into a relationship with a complete arsehole? She felt it from the beginning, that he could be one, when and if the mood struck. It also became apparent early on that he was possessive, deceitful, and sick. Why then, fall in love with the gilded cage he prepared for her? Why fall into his trap?

Was she punishing herself for her previous relationship? For having pushed away the one man who loved her without reserve and who accepted everything about her? Why did she push that one day away? Was it because she couldn’t forgive herself for having hurt her previous love with him?

Is this a pattern that I discovered only after beginning to write the play? Is this why I could have a healthy relationship, in fact the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, after that? Because I had cracked my own code?

Now the question remains, should I do a Carrie Bradshaw treatment on Sandra?

I’ve opened the play with the initial trampling of the consent line and the hook, line and sinker she swallowed in the process of falling in love with a serial abuser. Now what? Do I look back and reflect on why he was able to do it so fast? Or do I slowly release tidbits of information?

Stay tuned. Just like I do for sex and the city.